For some reason I was particularly struck down this year. I accept that a severe bout of flu didn't help (proper flu, not Man Flu). You know - when you feel so exhausted that your brain doesn't work & positivity is a distant memory? God help me if I ever have worse - I'm a rubbish patient!
Ah, but which came first - the chicken or the egg? Being ill made me feel depressed. But in reality, I'm sure it was my low mood that left me susceptible to the flu. I'll tell you what happened. I tried three times last week to explain myself here. I remembered what my dear friend Cara said about writing it down, however I was feeling. But when I'm slithering around at the bottom of a black pit, forming sentences is a struggle. How do you describe abject despair and the total paralysis that fear brings?
I know what started it off, and to be honest, I'm a bit embarrassed. Kind of thought I'd brought it on myself. Well, you know me and my constant search for The Answer - reading my improving books, meditating, communing with God. I'd been persevering with A Course In Miracles. It's my toilet-side reading now. I pick it up whenever I sit down, and have a random glance. I reckon it's better than nothing, and I just can't yet face starting at the beginning & reading it all the way through - too taxing.
But the trouble with dipping in and out of a serious tome like this is that you can swallow a huge piece of knowledge out of context. And it can choke you.
Now all my searching & reading & experience so far has taught me that we humans are far greater than the limited individuals we see ourselves as on this planet Earth. The ancient sages and the quantum physicists are all pointing to a supreme intelligence, a source, from which everything stems and of which we are all an indivisible part. Cool.
Much of my reading and contemplating revolves around the struggle between my Ego and my true self. I'm more than happy with the concept of being an eternal, limitless being - not bound by my body or by the restrictions of this holodeck we call reality. I'm with the scientists and their psychedelic space-time continuum. Perfectly comfortable with birth & death being just different aspects of a timeless existence.
But how do I reconcile this with the day to day nonsense that my Ego fills my head with? Now, by way of explanation, my understanding of things is thus: My Ego is the identity that I have - formed of DNA and a lifetime of influences and limitations. It is the thinking, breathing part of me that wants me to believe that I am somehow separate from everyone else out there.
"So what?" you may well ask. Well the thing is, separation leads to fear. How else can it be if we are convinced that our mortal flesh & a few trillion neurones is all that protects us from the endless dangers 'out there'. That is scary. And the problem is that this fear and isolation leads to all the suffering that we have already and will ever experience. Hate, jealousy, judgement, violence - you name it, its source is fear.
Fear leads to suffering, while actions stemming from love lead to peace. Simples. This is my sole reason for my quest - to give up pain and to live a peaceful life.
Now before you all die of boredom - this is no idle, theoretical concern of mine. You see my Ego isn't going to give up without a fight. Every time it gets a thump because I've made a move towards my true self, it comes back twice as hard.
So I'm on the loo, and I pick up Miracles and there it is: "This world is an illusion. It makes no difference what we achieve in our lives, it is how we live. Do we live with love? Nothing remains the same." Oh. Yes. It must've got me thinking - and got my Ego worried - because that night it got ready for a major attack. Lying in bed and meditating on this idea, my Ego caught me off guard. "So, it doesn't matter what you achieve then?" No. "Then what was the point of it all? What was the point of leaving Max? Here you are, ten years on, and for what? It was all for nothing."
Wham.
Ugh.
Right in the solar plexus. Winded me, it did. I felt myself crumple and a dense weight of despair engulfed me.
Knock out. Match over. Ego is the new world champion.
I wandered around in a black cloud of despair for weeks, wondering what the point of my life was, crippled with thoughts of death and old age. No amount of reading & meditating & talking to myself could shake my deep depression. On and on the voices in my head shouted - worthless, useless, limited, pointless - a never ending cacophony that echoed round and round. Exhausting.
Finally my true self fought back. A number of things happened to loose me from the throes of my despair. Max called me. Appreciative of the help I'd given him with his application, he wanted me to be the first to hear about his offer from Edinburgh University. Oh heaven to an absent mother's ears. A poignant reminder that nothing stays the same.
Buoyed by our conversation, I decided to make the most of my advantage. That night I meditated on my crippling fear. Safe in my alpha state I focused: "There is no such thing as time. All we have is Now". No point worrying about a future that doesn't exist then, is there?!
Not bad.
I awoke with a smile, relieved that there were chinks in my cloud. Determined to continue the good work (you can't say I don't try - part of the problem, I fear), I practised a new visualisation. You see, up until now I'd pictured my limitless self encased in my body - like some minute galaxy trying to shine its light through my flesh. Every time I felt a twinge in my solar plexus I imagined that it was my true self trying to communicate - reminding me of how I'd failed to find peace.
Nah. All wrong.
Try this on for size instead! My Ego is contained in my solar plexus, and every time it knots up it's no more than my Ego griping about something (like one of those toilet gremlins in the TV advert). Ooh yes, my limitless true self is actually on the outside - extending in every direction - bigger and more powerful than any petty Ego. Nice! Then I added some big flappy wings. Cool. Every time my gremlin gripes, I'll just ruffle my wings knowing that it's not real.
Getting there.
But still a bit of residual cloud, catching me off guard when I wasn't looking. Then along came Heidi. Heidi is a glorious soul - feisty, honest, loving, giving - a joy to be with, and always a surprise. We were having a Friday chat about life and she was talking about always knowing who she was, despite life's setbacks. I caught myself nodding in agreement, while my gremlin griped gently.
It was now or never.
"Actually, I have no idea what you're talking about."
Keep going Laura.
"I have never, as an adult, felt comfortable with who I am. I am never without the voices in my head telling me I'm wrong, criticising my every move. I don't love myself."
There, said it.
Heidi listened. "Why don't you let others judge you?"
What?
"Instead of judging yourself, why don't you just love yourself & let others judge you?"
Oh, now that's an idea - instead of fretting about having done the right thing, why don't I do my best and then let others respond as they choose to? Mm, I like it. Less work for me to do.
As if one piece of wisdom wasn't enough, Heidi then presented me with another:
"Remember," she said, "actions speak louder than words."
I considered this from all angles. Okay, so my gremlins may berate me for not always being the perfect, loving person I could be. They can attack me for my thoughts - but how often do I actually act on these negative thoughts? Not often. My initial response may come from my griping Ego, but I still choose to respond with love. Okay.
And what of others' actions? What if I look outwards, at how other people respond to me?
On Sunday it was my birthday. I awoke to a call from my step son in Australia. Cards & presents and more calls followed - all wishing me love. My darling hubby threw me a surprise party. And when my dear friend Dorothy appeared from London, I savoured the pleasure and decided to appreciate all of these gestures of love - no questions, no argument. Who am I to know better than these loving & generous friends?
Now I know what Chris will say when he reads this. He'll say: "You've got too much time on your hands." And he'd be right! On the recommendation of my son I have been practising doing less, trying just to be. And I sure need the practice - I'm rubbish at it! But I will persevere, because in the quiet nothingness there is room to grow. Max said that it would be hard, especially for an antsy creature like me.
But he is right. If I hadn't made time & space, I wouldn't have started to create things again. Not as a means to an end, not for any public recognition, but just for the sheer joy of it. So many years filled with action and drama left no time for creativity. I tried to drown out the noise in my head and ended up drowning myself.
And so I may still dip beneath the waves now and again. But the rest of the time I can look around me and make choices that are right - for me and for others. I'll always think too much. I'll always be searching for answers. But I'm learning to try less and be more.
PS: This is for Frances x
PPS: No I can't get it round the right way!
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