Early last summer Chris and I first spoke about the possibility of moving to Montana. Why Montana? Many reasons, including its beauty and space and horses and down to earth people and new experiences.
We did a lot of preparation: We found a house, opened bank accounts, researched new business ventures, prepared Therapy for sale.
And then we changed our minds.
Well, circumstances altered our plans. Having closed our unprofitable shoe shop, Chris looked at the company and decided that, now we are back to one shop, we need to consolidate.
“Consolidate”. There’s a lot of consolidation going on right now - the economy being what it is at the moment.
I feel about consolidation the way I feel about domestic chores. As my mousemat reads:
“I understand the concept of cooking & cleaning, just not as they apply to me.”
So Chris has looked at the current situation and said: “We can’t go to Montana yet. We need to establish our business now we’re back to one shop. Once we have proved its value, we can reconsider.”
I listened to his logical, sensible words ... and threw a tantrum!
Two weeks on from Chris’s cogent argument for delay and I still feel like a little girl who hasn’t got her way. I had plans! I’ve made decisions relating to our imminent departure and now I have to undo them. We told everyone we were going and now we’ve got to backtrack. The dreamy house that we’d found will have to be forgotten. The future we had mapped out has faded in the morning mists. How disappointing!
But this whole situation has taught me a valuable lesson. As one of my favourite quotes states: “I’ll put it down to experience. That’s what you get when you don’t get what you want.” Brilliant, however hard to swallow.
But this is my question: Why was I finding it so hard when Chris seemed to have readjusted to a different future so easily?
My Theory:
I’m wading through a well known book right now. It’s called ‘The Power Of Now’ by Eckhart Tolle. Have you read it? It’s very famous and created a huge stir when it was first published twelve years ago.
Let me see if I can summarise what I’ve read so far:
People are unhappy because they identify with their mind/ego. The constant duality of daily life - pleasure/pain; love/hate; joy/sorrow - are merely the mind’s way of controlling us. If we can understand that our true being is something greater than the mind’s creation, we can give up suffering and live peaceful, fulfilling lives.
The way to do this is to be aware of our thoughts and, most importantly, to stay in the present moment. Being in the Now is key to this process. Now is all there actually is. Linear time is a manmade construct. Past and future are the mind’s way of controlling us and causing us pain.
When we focus on the present moment, we are living in real time. When we carry pain from the past or feel fear for the future, we are creating an illusory life for ourselves. How can the past hurt us? It no longer exists. How can we fear the future? It is only in our imaginations.
So, a bit like consolidating - I understand the concept, but the more I try to put it into practice, the more my demons raise their ugly heads. Now Eckhart would say that this is my mind fighting against annihilation. Well it sure feels like World War Three in my brain a lot of the time!
To be honest I was shocked to discover just how controlled by my mind I am. Why couldn’t I be more like Chris - relaxed about events and going with the flow? Why did I feel like I’d lost something when I hadn’t actually had anything to lose? What was the lesson here?
In a weird (and not uncommon for me) twist, when I asked myself that question, the answer related right back to my book:
I wasn’t living in the Now.
I’d been so busy planning my future and making choices based on what I imagined I would be doing, that I’d forgotten to focus on what was happening right now.
But while Chris had been planning our future, he was still present enough to react to whatever situation was developing each moment.
So I still dream of being a Cowgirl, while trying to focus on what I’m doing right now. Because if I want to fulfill my dreams and live a peaceful life, then it won’t happen with me holding onto the past or living in a future that doesn’t yet exist.
And as Chris and Pa Walton are wont to say: “Plannin’s not doin’.”
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