Let's Talk About Sex Baby...

I've had relations with girls from many nations
I've made passes at women of all classes
And just because you're gay I won't turn you away
If you stick around I'm sure that we can find
some common ground

CHORUS:
Sexuality - Strong and warm and wild and free
Sexuality - Your laws do not apply to me

A nuclear submarine sinks off the coast of Sweden
Headlines give me headaches when I read them
I had an uncle who once played for Red Star
Belgrade
He said that some things are really best left
unspoken
But I prefer it all to be out in the open

Sexuality - Young and warm and wild and free
Sexuality - Your laws do not apply to me

Sexuality - Don't threaten me with misery
Sexuality - I demand equality

I'm sure that everybody knows how much my body
hates me
It lets me down most every time and makes me rash
and hasty
I feel a total jerk before your naked body of
work

I'm getting weighed down with all this
information
Safe sex doesn't mean no sex it just means use
your imagination
Stop playing with yourselves in hard currency
hotels
I look like Robert De Niro
I drive a Mitsubishi Zero

Sexuality - Strong and warm and wild and free
Sexuality - Your laws do not apply to me
Sexuality - Come eat and drink and sleep with me
Sexuality - We can be what we want to be

Sexuality by Billy Bragg

Allow me to be frank, as Westlife once said. I want to talk about sex. 


Now I am a great  believer in being able to talk about anything. The trick is to say it in the right way within the context of any given person and situation. And saying it with Love. This is the really  important bit. If we speak from the heart and with compassion and understanding (of our own motives as well as the recipient of what we have to say) then we can say anything.


Ah, but I must qualify that. A brilliant therapist of mine once explained to me that "We are only ever 50% of any relationship. We have no control over the other person." This was a hard lesson to learn and one that was reinforced by Byron Katie in her book called "Turn It Around". In it she talks about other people's business not being ours. I've tried to practice this for the last year and it really saves a lot of time and effort.


I digress. Sex. Great! I think sex is brilliant. It's a biological imperative - no, it's the biological imperative. Our sexual energy is our life force - literally. If we don't have sex we die out, simple as that. As mammals we're not designed to be monogamous. The idea is to enhance our gene pool and make our offspring strong and healthy and likely to carry our DNA forward. Simple. Men really cannot help being 'promiscuous' & being attracted to younger women. Sorry ladies but it's true.


But sex is so much more than that. It's fun! It's joyful, it can transcend verbal communication and take us to places we could never have imagined. Sex is just about the best fun people can have - not forgetting ourselves: "Sex is like a game of Bridge. If you don't have a good partner you'd better have a good hand."


Now I love the naked body. I've hated my own for many years but have finally come to appreciate it for the adaptable, resourceful, resilient vehicle that it is - perfect for experiencing life on this planet and a tapestry of my life lived. I must say I like my body a whole lot more having accepted this.


I studied the Nude during my degree - both theoretically and practically. I studied the naked form in all its many interpretations and I also modelled from life, women mostly - more satisfying to recreate in 3D.That doesn't mean that I'm happy naked, it just means that I can appreciate the beauty in others. 


So back to sex! Love it. I wish that I'd known what the youth of today know. Yes they're overexposed to too much negative imagery - just as with music and films. But so what? Surely the life-creating act of sex ranks higher in importance than gratuitous violence and power struggles?


Now I like Porn. It was something I came to rather late in life. Prior to Porn I managed on erotic literature and my imagination. Well imagination's something you still need when enjoying Pornography.


What an awful moniker. I believe that it was the Victorians who invented this umbrella term for everything erotic or sexual. Wealthy old men amassing collections of mythical beasts, fertility symbols and fine art for titillation. I can understand why, they needed to have a justifiable outlet for their forbidden instincts. Bloody awful if you ask me. 


Did you know that in Roman times attitudes to sex were much freer? Their houses depicted scenes of sexual acts and they were regarded as fun. They did not regard privacy as important because they didn't feel that they had anything to hide. The only issue they had was with oral sex. The Romans regarded the mouth as sacred because it was the vehicle for speech. No matter, they had slaves to do their bidding.


So 'Porn': It has a bad press and rightly so. Where does it belong in our modern day society? Well I know that a lot of porn is degrading to women and all about power and control - that turns me right off. But we've found some good stuff over the years - movies that are entertaining and erotic and above all fun. I'll tell you about a few:


Ben Dover aka Steve Perry. He doesn't make porn movies now - he's a serious documentary film maker, and so he should be - a very talented man. The premise of all of our Ben Dover movies is him and a couple of mates, either through requests or through a creative use of the truth, seeking out horny girls and persuading them to have a shag. Now I know that's sounding as bad as the movies I've just criticised but bear with me. 


Ben Dover is pure Carry On, total seaside humour. These girls have an absolute ball. They're young and horny and unsatisfied with the quality of sex on offer in the UK, and Ben provides a brilliant education in good, fun sex. These young women are empowered by their experience. Ben and the boys adore women - all shapes and sizes - and they let it show. They are truly in awe of women and recognise how in thrall men are to us. Nice! I wish I'd had this education when I was their age - it would have saved a lot of time.


Another British seaside humour exponent is the lovely Anna Span. Just a young girl herself, she creates movies where the viewpoint is very female and very fun. The story lines are funny and the actors are very accessible. Well done Anna!


We have a number of Joy Bear movies. Some are along the lines of Ben but with the delightfully funny and humble Steve Hooper (trained as a lawyer until he came across porn). But, better than that - Joy Bear do some classics. My very favourite is "The Opening of Misty Beethoven". It is an X rated, modern interpretation of Pygmalion set in Rome, Paris and New York. The dialogue is brilliant as are the sets and costumes - I love it.


So what about your own sex life? I believe that sex between consenting adults in private is their own business. I mean any kind of consensual sex. We're here on this earth to experience as much as possible and that includes any kind of 'perversions'. Me I prefer to operate within my accepted paradigm, which includes respect and affection and a willingness to relate to another person. But then we all operate within our individual paradigms.


And therein lies the problem. We are all such a mass of influences and addictions that we cloud the whole act of sex in confusion. Sex is liberating, sex is great exercise, sex is bonding and fulfilling. What's not to like about sex?


Falling in love, first with my son and then with my husband, were pretty Peak Experiences. But I have the privilege of having had a few transcendental sexual experiences. When we 'make love', with strangers as well as loved ones, we open the channel to a higher power. No wonder the Victorians were so afraid of it!


I'm not sure how well I've championed good sex. Have you seen 'Meet The Fockers'? I love Barbra Streisand and Dustin Hoffman's performances in this film. The characters are ageing hippies. Streisand is a Sex Therapist who talks openly about sex and has no qualms about trying to free up whoever she meets. That's me, that is! At least I'd like it to be.


And I think a 45 year old woman, a mother, a wife, a daughter, is a good place to be to enjoy good sex. And what fun to live in a world with Cougars and Toy Boys - just the idea!


So, sex is primal, sex is intimate, even with strangers. It's all about bodily functions and unpredictable outcomes. Rather like the rest of life then. Laughter is key to good sex too,I think. It's great for relaxation and for getting you in the mood. I confess I have a tendency to laugh during sex - it's just so much fun! Distracting for those who haven't known me well though.


So why don't you plan a little private space and time & get reacquainted with everything that is good about sex? It's as much about giving attention to someone, sharing yourself. It's not all about the penetrative act. Spending time together, distracted by the matter in hand so to speak, is a great way to let everything go and concentrate on the present moment.


Emotional Intelligence is apparently worth developing too. By that they mean the ability to use your intuition and your imagination to boost your pleasure. "A Filthy Mind is a Joy Forever" as a card I sent to Chris so aptly proclaims.


Sex is fundamentally about trust, isn't it? What is our partner's agenda? Where do they see this leading? All questions that meet with some concern unless you're in a very honest relationship. Well I say again - 'It's none of my business what other people think". Just look after your own agenda and try to be honest about it. As with every interaction between people, it's better to focus on the other person, rather than thinking about your own needs. But that doesn't mean you can't be explicit about your own pleasure. It's all about communication!


Sex is a beautiful, life enhancing act and should be enjoyed by as many as possible. 


Isn't that right Billy?


Enjoy! x

Montana Bound, or are we?

Early last summer Chris and I first spoke about the possibility of moving to Montana. Why Montana? Many reasons, including its beauty and space and horses and down to earth people and new experiences.

We did a lot of preparation: We found a house, opened bank accounts, researched new business ventures, prepared Therapy for sale.

And then we changed our minds.

Well, circumstances altered our plans. Having closed our unprofitable shoe shop, Chris looked at the company and decided that, now we are back to one shop, we need to consolidate.

“Consolidate”. There’s a lot of consolidation going on right now - the economy being what it is at the moment.

I feel about consolidation the way I feel about domestic chores. As my mousemat reads:

“I understand the concept of cooking & cleaning, just not as they apply to me.”

So Chris has looked at the current situation and said: “We can’t go to Montana yet. We need to establish our business now we’re back to one shop. Once we have proved its value, we can reconsider.”

I listened to his logical, sensible words ... and threw a tantrum!

Two weeks on from Chris’s cogent argument for delay and I still feel like a little girl who hasn’t got her way. I had plans! I’ve made decisions relating to our imminent departure and now I have to undo them. We told everyone we were going and now we’ve got to backtrack. The dreamy house that we’d found will have to be forgotten. The future we had mapped out has faded in the morning mists. How disappointing!

But this whole situation has taught me a valuable lesson. As one of my favourite quotes states: “I’ll put it down to experience. That’s what you get when you don’t get what you want.” Brilliant, however hard to swallow.

But this is my question: Why was I finding it so hard when Chris seemed to have readjusted to a different future so easily?

My Theory:

I’m wading through a well known book right now. It’s called ‘The Power Of Now’ by Eckhart Tolle. Have you read it? It’s very famous and created a huge stir when it was first published twelve years ago. 

Let me see if I can summarise what I’ve read so far: 

People are unhappy because they identify with their mind/ego. The constant duality of daily life - pleasure/pain; love/hate; joy/sorrow - are merely the mind’s way of controlling us. If we can understand that our true being is something greater than the mind’s creation, we can give up suffering and live peaceful, fulfilling lives.

The way to do this is to be aware of our thoughts and, most importantly, to stay in the present moment. Being in the Now is key to this process. Now is all there actually is. Linear time is a manmade construct. Past and future are the mind’s way of controlling us and causing us pain.

When we focus on the present moment, we are living in real time. When we carry pain from the past or feel fear for the future, we are creating an illusory life for ourselves. How can the past hurt us? It no longer exists. How can we fear the future? It is only in our imaginations.

So, a bit like consolidating - I understand the concept, but the more I try to put it into practice, the more my demons raise their ugly heads. Now Eckhart would say that this is my mind fighting against annihilation. Well it sure feels like World War Three in my brain a lot of the time!

To be honest I was shocked to discover just how controlled by my mind I am. Why couldn’t I be more like Chris - relaxed about events and going with the flow? Why did I feel like I’d lost something when I hadn’t actually had anything to lose? What was the lesson here?

In a weird (and not uncommon for me) twist, when I asked myself that question, the answer related right back to my book:

I wasn’t living in the Now.

I’d been so busy planning my future and making choices based on what I imagined I would be doing, that I’d forgotten to focus on what was happening right now.

But while Chris had been planning our future, he was still present enough to react to whatever situation was developing each moment.

So I still dream of being a Cowgirl, while trying to focus on what I’m doing right now. Because if I want to fulfill my dreams and live a peaceful life, then it won’t happen with me holding onto the past or living in a future that doesn’t yet exist.

And as Chris and Pa Walton are wont to say: “Plannin’s not doin’.”