Hello again campers. Ugh, camping... As a child we used to go camping to Pitlochrie - beautiful countryside, shit weather. In this respect I was born high maintenance. Give me a 5 star hotel over a tent every time. Perhaps if the weather had been more clement then my memories would be more affectionate.
Always the drama queen, I was convinced that the promised fishing trip would result in me being caught on a fish hook, having been warned of the dangers of fish hooks & their irremovable barbs. Terrified out of my wits I did indeed become caught on a stray hook & screamed the place down (no chance of a catch after that). Knowing me, I was probably throwing myself in the line of fire, determined to prove my worst fears realised.
Our tent's ground sheet was a magnet for creepy crawlies and I was apoplectic with horror as I scrabbled under the sheet to locate these squirming beasties. Finally exhausted by so much excitement I fell asleep only to be woken in the wee small hours by a horse's head in our tent. No, it was not Don Corleone perpetrating a dirty deed, but a real, live horse come to see what we were up to.
When the rain came and we were mercifully washed from the banks of the river back to our snug semi, I was overcome with joy. Little did my parents know as they plied me with new dolls to placate me for the aborted holiday, that I was convinced that my fervent wishing had led to this result.
But I digress (already?). My intention was to tell you some more funny stories, courtesy of my dear friends. Okay, so the first one isn't really funny at all. But you know how you used to get a fit of the giggles at school, and the less appropriate it was to laugh, the more you did? Well this is one of them.
A delightful customer of ours came into the shop last week to buy a pair of jeans. She'd just returned from a fortnight in Spain to see her daughter & grandchildren. It was a well - earned break because prior to that she'd been busy organising a big party for her aged mother in law's birthday.She'd been rather pleased with her gift to said lady - a special chair that reclined and moved upright at the push of some buttons. I know all about these as my own mother in law has one too, and loves it.
As she was leaving I asked how she was enjoying the chair. This dear customer looked stricken and said that she was having to remove it - probably sell it on Ebay. The old lady's carer had phoned to say that she just couldn't get the hang of it and as a result had suffered a nasty bump to her head. "Out like an egg it was." My poor customer was so upset and disappointed that her thoughtful gift had caused such an injury.
I felt deep sympathy for both of them. But at the same time I was trying not to laugh, as images of this nonagenarian catapulting herself repeatedly out of the chair filled my head. Terrible I know, but it still makes me laugh now.
This next one came courtesy of a lively discussion overheard in a pub in Edinburgh, when I was visiting my family in May this year: A group of Scottish dignitaries were being treated to a tour of Hopetoun House and it's extensive parklands. The park rangers had rigged a tractor up to a trailer and seated the dignitaries comfortably, ready to show them the special features of the park.
As one of them drove, the other sat in the trailer pointing out the herds of deer and glorious lakes.
"And to your left is the magnificent North Deer Park."
"And to your right..."
"And to your left another group of our famous Rhododendrons."
As the tour guide had turned and pointed to his right he had spied a bare bottom thrusting up and down in the bushes. Yes, an amorous couple had decided to indulge in some alfresco shagging! They obviously thought that with 150 acres to choose from they'd be safe from prying eyes.
But it gets worse. The dignitaries now alerted to there being something not quite right...on the right, turned to see what was amiss. Whereupon the man leapt up in a panic with his trousers round his ankles, exposing himself to the tour, and then dived for cover into a bush! Too funny.
This last one is really just a moment but had me creased up with laughter. Our dear friend Georgie and her sister popped round last Sunday morning for a coffee with their kids. Jo had never been to our house so Chris offered to give her a tour. (No, no naked shaggers this time.) He took her up to our roof terrace with its fine views of the rooftops and the South Downs. Asking Jo how she'd enjoyed it, I was disappointed to see her looking a bit upset. It turns out that she suffers from vertigo - always has.
"Oh no, it's awful. My legs just turn to jelly. Once I had to attend a work meeting in the tall glass building that looks like a boat, on the banks of the River Thames. The clients led us to the window to see the view. My legs just buckled and my hands slid down the window. Then I had to crawl on my hands and knees in my work suit, with my bulging work bag slung over my shoulder, all the way to the lift."
No sympathy for Jo either - we all peed our pants laughing! As Heidi said, it was like a scene from Brigitte Jones' Diary.
Well, you know what they say: "You've got to laugh or you'd cry." And besides, it's good for you!
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