I'm Multitasking - not!

It's official, I cannot multitask. My husband has been telling me this for years, but it has taken me a long time to admit it.


I had hoped to have posted a blog before now but find I am out of time. A heavy week of overtime in the shop, hard partying over the Bank Holiday weekend, and a week-long life drawing course have left me with no time for writing.


Ah that's a poor excuse! It is not time that is lacking but focus. I am distracted by life around me and can't concentrate on writing. Is the answer to do less? Or to focus more?


I started my drawing course last night. I confess to being very nervous after my twenty year absence. And I was right to be. Not only had I forgotten how an easel works but I'd also forgotten how to translate what I saw into marks on paper. After a very brief hour, the class was done - a warm up session to get us past our nerves.


Wish me luck for the next three days and I'll report back to you on my return.


Laura x


  

On Being Idle

Apologies for my lack of noise. Having enjoyed the luxury of idleness while on my break in France, I had intended to write about it on my return...but I've been too busy!


We had a wonderful trip, with my brief spells of idleness interspersed with bouts of gentle usefulness. The perfect combination really. My favourite kind of days are ones when I get the balance of laziness and activity just right - so satisfying.


You see I confess to being inherently lazy. I may have mentioned it before, but I have spent the last year practising idleness. And it takes practice. This time last year I decided to give myself the opportunity to be idle - just to see what it was like.


I'm the opposite of a swan - all the action is on the surface and below there's a whole lot of daydreaming and escaping going on. So I thought I'd see what happened when I allowed myself time to do nothing. And this is what I found:


As I forced myself to desist my constant 'faffing', I found that my head cleared and my daydreaming began to materialise. I was inspired by my hero Elvis to get creative again. Being nervous about testing out my artistic abilities after such a long absence, I stuck my toe in the water with some collage.


Yes, that's a posh word for sticking bits of paper and stuff together to make a picture. Great fun! I had sequins and fabric and glitter pens and coloured paper and lots of glue. I was in my element. I felt just as I did when I was a kid planning my creative campaign for the summer holidays.


The time spent elbow deep in stuff was the most therapeutic experience I'd had in a long time. While I cut and stuck and created, my mind was free to be still for the first time in years. And it is true what I have read about the need for space, for stillness, if we are to allow the influence of a higher power/ Source/ God in.


I think it was Dr Wayne Dyer who I heard describe life thus: Imagine our life as a pond. If the surface is disturbed it is difficult to detect the nuances. But if the pond is still, we are able to detect the smallest change.


In the same way that a proper meditative state allows the white noise of day to day life to recede, so idleness can offer the same benefits. As Deepak Chopra once said, God is in the spaces. Space to think, space to create, space to just be.


My holiday in France was so relaxing I even had time to read a book. George Michael's biography from 1990 was lying around and so I thought it might be worth a look - the Eighties and Wham being my era. I finished it on the day we left, rushing to read the last few pages before our departure. 


And I'm glad I did. In summing up his life so far, George Michael talked about passion for songwriting and dislike of touring. Long concert tours dissipated his energy and drained him of his enthusiasm. He had realised that songwriting is his talent, his gift and that deserves to be protected. He would not be fulfilling his potential or giving his best to his fans if he continued.


His clarity and sense impressed me and made me think about my own talents and potential. I have spent most of my adult life wasting huge amounts of energy just in motion. And now I find that  the old adage of "more speed, less haste" is indeed true.


Having had the luxury of practising idleness for a year, I now find I have given myself the time to work out what is important to me. And, as I'm sure you've heard said, we are programmed to "do what we love well, and love what we do well."


Having time to take stock of my life and figure out my priorities, strengths and weaknesses has saved me a lot of time and improved my quality of life immeasurably. 


Why don't you try for yourselves and see what happens?


Laura x 

A Jaunt Abroad

Chris and I are off to France for five days. I’ve checked out the weather forecast and it’s looking good. I’ve bought my swimsuit, confirmed the plane times and shaved my legs. Sunshine here we come!

We’re staying with Chris’s best friend Geoff in his renovated farmhouse west of Toulouse. This loving restoration has been going on for over twenty years. Chris still recounts the story of their first night in the half ruined gite. 

Exhausted by their long drive from England, they hunkered down to a late meal of bread, cheese and plenty of wine. For a bit of company they tuned into the radio, only to discover a channel playing all the old hits from the Sixties. Much merriment was made into the wee small hours and the house in France was well and truly christened. 

Since that first night, Chris has been accompanying Geoff to France every year, several times a year. Each time they set themselves tasks and each time they vie with each other as to who can be the quickest and the best. 

Geoff’s wife and daughters can be thankful for their continued competition. It has provided them with stairs and wardrobes; bathing platforms and decking; landscape gardening and fencing. 

And finally this July - the climax to all these years of hard work: Geoff’s eldest daughter (and Chris’s God Daughter) is to celebrate her marriage in their French summer home.

And we won’t be there.

I know, I can’t quite believe it myself. We’re in Montana, riding horses and watching rodeos, instead of enjoying the culmination of twenty years of loving toil. 

But the love poured into this house in France continues and I am looking forward this week to watching Chris and Geoff, beer in hand, discussing the most efficient way to box in some piping.

And as I sit in the sunshine and watch them work, I’ll be smiling. I’ll be thinking of the young men they once were - competing over a Private Pilot’s License, a Squash tournament or a pretty girl. And I’ll be applauding the Elder Statesmen they’ve become - still motivated, still competing.

And, in July, when I am loping across the planes of Montana, I will be picturing fondly the Wedding Feast taking place in it’s idyllic French setting. And I will know that Chris has given his own gift to his God Daughter, and is every bit as present in that scene as the proud Father of the Bride.






PS: I'm taking my laptop but have no idea if I can connect to the internet there. So if you don't hear from me until next Monday, don't panic, I'll be back!
Laura x

On Being A Two Vehicle Household

My husband has recently become the proud owner of a helicopter. “What do you need a helicopter for?” I hear you ask. Perhaps for a speedy jaunt to Goodwood or a flying visit to London?

Well no. This particular helicopter is a surveillance device. At least that’s Chris’s dream. Having a credit at the Sussex Model Centre in Worthing, and having seen an advert containing a model helicopter, Chris decided to purchase one.

The first contender was small and ‘difficult to fly’. “How hard can it be?” said Chris. Famous last words. The battery charged and the wires connected, the helicopter was poised for takeoff. And poised it remained. Nothing happened.

“Faulty” Chris proclaimed and returned it to the shop. “Oh that’s no good for flying outside.” said Bob, the helicopter expert. “Try this one, and don’t try to fly it before you’ve had a lesson with me.”

Ah, you can see what’s coming, can’t you? Yes, unable to wait the few days until his lesson, Chris proceeded to assemble the new machine and get it to ‘hover’ over the kitchen table.

Buoyed up by his initial success, he took his new toy with him when we left for supper with friends. “They’ve got a nice big lawn. Perfect for takeoff.” was his justification.

And so we found ourselves spectators at the maiden voyage of the new helicopter. We women were gossiping and not paying much attention, while the men concentrated intently on the serious stuff.

Gears in place, throttle at the ready, Chris cautiously maneuvered the controls and the helicopter started to lift. Hovering inches above the grass, it then took a nosedive and plunged its rotor blades into said lawn. Oops.

Continuing to engage the throttle, the helicopter began to smoke. Then before our very eyes, it burst into flames. Finally dropping the controls, Chris lunged towards the fiery ball and yanked the nose cover off. Taking his life in his hands (or at least his hands in his hands) he pulled out the battery and disconnected the wires.

Phew, the acrid stench of burning plastic filled the evening air as Chris proceeded to give various explanations (excuses) as to why the helicopter had malfunctioned. Banished to the car boot (the helicopter not Chris) we sat down to supper.

Not one to be easily put off, Chris was back at the model shop the following Tuesday. Bob took a long close look at the offending machine and pronounced that he’d never seen that before. 

Have you experienced my husband’s persuasive arguments? So you’ll not be surprised to hear that the helicopter was fully repaired and upgraded - free of charge. 

However, on calling to report the tip top condition of the helicopter, Bob told Chris in no uncertain terms: “No, you cannot have it, and you are not to fly it without some instruction from me.”  

So I think that Petworth is safe for a little longer from any miniature surveillance craft. Can you imagine it: 

Taking off from a roof-top garden, a remote control helicopter, with a USB camera attached, careers into an open top car driving down New Street. The driver, startled by the additional load, swerves into Allans’ Menswear’s shop window. The driver and car come to a halt, buried beneath an enormous pile of pants and socks.

How does Chris get out of that one?

I’ll keep you posted.

Laura x    

The Power Of Now

Do you remember me telling you about the book I’ve been reading? The Power Of Now by Eckhart Tolle. Well I finished it this week and, as often happens when I complete a book of this nature, my brain settles down as I assimilate what I’ve learnt.

Having found the whole experience quite hard going, I returned to the book I’d read prior to Eckhart - A Return To Love by Marianne Williamson. This lovely book was recommended to me by my equally lovely friend Hannah. Thank you.

Now, I have read that we are drawn to texts that reinforce our view of the world. Sounds kind of obvious doesn’t it? But on reflection perhaps it’s just another way we promote Eckhart’s separate Ego identity. You remember - the one that keeps us focused on illusion and therefore in pain.

Well I don’t care. A Return To Love is a beautiful book that makes me feel great and, yes, reinforces a lot of my own personal experiences. Hooray!

This book is an interpretation of a 1970’s book - A Course In Miracles. From the little I’ve read (it’s my next read) it’s a non-traditional interpretation of the Christian texts. Marianne Williamson is engaging as a translator of this interpretation because she is so human. As  is often the case, authors who have written books like this have gotten there the hard way. And we all like to feel that if they can do it, we can too.

I read the way I do most things in life - in a hurry and without paying enough attention. I pick up what I think are the relevant bits and then move on to something new. Yes, very like the way I live my life. So it is unusual for me to reread a book so soon after it’s first outing, and I am enjoying the experience.

I only started it again this morning but already I feel as if I’m both reading it anew and making sense of its meaning. What has helped enormously was just having finished old Eckhart. 

A Return To Love has exactly the same message as The Power Of Now: Love is the only reality; everything else is an illusion; we are not separated from anyone; now is all we have; surrender to who we really are and we will relinquish all pain. 

Nice.

Ah yes, but like the horse riding, it’s all very well in theory. More and more I see my life as a constant stream of little struggles (all played out to a soundtrack of niggling demons and accompanied by a permanently churning stomach), interspersed with moments of harmony and beauty when I let go and just focus on the now.

And I’d call that progress! I’ve sure come a long way from the days when I was completely unconscious of the havoc I wreaked wherever I went. Let me tell you about my Bathtub Epiphany: (I’ll try to be brief)

Last April, about a fortnight after my son had called me to break off contact, I went to see a Journeys Therapist (look it up: The Journey by Brandon Bays). This is an intense therapeutic process that lasted three and a half hours for me and was very cathartic.

As with other therapies of this kind, I arrived at a state similar to when I meditate and the therapist guided me through various visualisations. At the time I felt like a bit of a fraud. It was hard to be in that state and be talked to, very distracting. However, my visualisations were corkers and included Elvis and my five year old self in matching jumpsuits (go figure).

A week later Chris took me off to Baillifscourt Hotel in Climping. What a heavenly place. Only twenty minutes down the road and it feels like paradise. My first indulgence was a long deep bath.

As I lay in the bath and reflected on my therapy session, I started to look back over my life. During the therapy I had gone back to when I was five. I remembered the curious, creative, joyful child I’d been and wondered where she’d gone.

And then I realised that she hadn’t gone anywhere. When I started to run through the major events in my life I could see that I’d continued to launch myself headlong into life regardless of the consequences.

Now at the time I was desperately trying to rid myself finally of the crippling guilt I felt over my son, that had dogged me for a decade. So I had been pondering the concept that everything we experience we choose for ourselves. It’s a question of actions and consequences. 

Well, as I lay in the bath and considered this concept in relation to my quick appraisal of my life so far - I started to laugh. I mean I howled. As I matched this idea of me being the creator of my life through the choices I’d made, to the images running through my head as if on a silver screen, I laughed until I cried.

Contrary to my 45 years of conviction that I’d been a victim of my circumstances and the cruelty of others, I realised that in fact I had been the director in every drama - just by making my choices.

Sounds simple aye? We choose and we deal with the consequences - nothing more, nothing less. So we can be unaware of our role in our personal drama or we can choose consciously.

Simples. 

Then I considered that even if my choices had been thus far unconscious, I must have made them for a reason. And having come to the understanding that everything I do is with a pleasurable outcome in mind, then I must have wanted to be in all the dramas I’d chosen.

Wow.

That one wiped the smile off my face. But not for long. I had another good laugh at myself when I absorbed that one. Imagine - all the crap I’ve lived through and I chose it all for myself.

Too funny.

Which, in a somewhat convoluted way, brings me back to the original point:

We are all making choices, starting with how we choose to perceive life. If we want to live in peace then we can make conscious choices out of love. If we want to continue our struggle, we can remain convinced that the fear and the pain that we feel is real and carry on like ants.

The choice is ours.

Amen x   

Let's Talk About Sex Baby...

I've had relations with girls from many nations
I've made passes at women of all classes
And just because you're gay I won't turn you away
If you stick around I'm sure that we can find
some common ground

CHORUS:
Sexuality - Strong and warm and wild and free
Sexuality - Your laws do not apply to me

A nuclear submarine sinks off the coast of Sweden
Headlines give me headaches when I read them
I had an uncle who once played for Red Star
Belgrade
He said that some things are really best left
unspoken
But I prefer it all to be out in the open

Sexuality - Young and warm and wild and free
Sexuality - Your laws do not apply to me

Sexuality - Don't threaten me with misery
Sexuality - I demand equality

I'm sure that everybody knows how much my body
hates me
It lets me down most every time and makes me rash
and hasty
I feel a total jerk before your naked body of
work

I'm getting weighed down with all this
information
Safe sex doesn't mean no sex it just means use
your imagination
Stop playing with yourselves in hard currency
hotels
I look like Robert De Niro
I drive a Mitsubishi Zero

Sexuality - Strong and warm and wild and free
Sexuality - Your laws do not apply to me
Sexuality - Come eat and drink and sleep with me
Sexuality - We can be what we want to be

Sexuality by Billy Bragg

Allow me to be frank, as Westlife once said. I want to talk about sex. 


Now I am a great  believer in being able to talk about anything. The trick is to say it in the right way within the context of any given person and situation. And saying it with Love. This is the really  important bit. If we speak from the heart and with compassion and understanding (of our own motives as well as the recipient of what we have to say) then we can say anything.


Ah, but I must qualify that. A brilliant therapist of mine once explained to me that "We are only ever 50% of any relationship. We have no control over the other person." This was a hard lesson to learn and one that was reinforced by Byron Katie in her book called "Turn It Around". In it she talks about other people's business not being ours. I've tried to practice this for the last year and it really saves a lot of time and effort.


I digress. Sex. Great! I think sex is brilliant. It's a biological imperative - no, it's the biological imperative. Our sexual energy is our life force - literally. If we don't have sex we die out, simple as that. As mammals we're not designed to be monogamous. The idea is to enhance our gene pool and make our offspring strong and healthy and likely to carry our DNA forward. Simple. Men really cannot help being 'promiscuous' & being attracted to younger women. Sorry ladies but it's true.


But sex is so much more than that. It's fun! It's joyful, it can transcend verbal communication and take us to places we could never have imagined. Sex is just about the best fun people can have - not forgetting ourselves: "Sex is like a game of Bridge. If you don't have a good partner you'd better have a good hand."


Now I love the naked body. I've hated my own for many years but have finally come to appreciate it for the adaptable, resourceful, resilient vehicle that it is - perfect for experiencing life on this planet and a tapestry of my life lived. I must say I like my body a whole lot more having accepted this.


I studied the Nude during my degree - both theoretically and practically. I studied the naked form in all its many interpretations and I also modelled from life, women mostly - more satisfying to recreate in 3D.That doesn't mean that I'm happy naked, it just means that I can appreciate the beauty in others. 


So back to sex! Love it. I wish that I'd known what the youth of today know. Yes they're overexposed to too much negative imagery - just as with music and films. But so what? Surely the life-creating act of sex ranks higher in importance than gratuitous violence and power struggles?


Now I like Porn. It was something I came to rather late in life. Prior to Porn I managed on erotic literature and my imagination. Well imagination's something you still need when enjoying Pornography.


What an awful moniker. I believe that it was the Victorians who invented this umbrella term for everything erotic or sexual. Wealthy old men amassing collections of mythical beasts, fertility symbols and fine art for titillation. I can understand why, they needed to have a justifiable outlet for their forbidden instincts. Bloody awful if you ask me. 


Did you know that in Roman times attitudes to sex were much freer? Their houses depicted scenes of sexual acts and they were regarded as fun. They did not regard privacy as important because they didn't feel that they had anything to hide. The only issue they had was with oral sex. The Romans regarded the mouth as sacred because it was the vehicle for speech. No matter, they had slaves to do their bidding.


So 'Porn': It has a bad press and rightly so. Where does it belong in our modern day society? Well I know that a lot of porn is degrading to women and all about power and control - that turns me right off. But we've found some good stuff over the years - movies that are entertaining and erotic and above all fun. I'll tell you about a few:


Ben Dover aka Steve Perry. He doesn't make porn movies now - he's a serious documentary film maker, and so he should be - a very talented man. The premise of all of our Ben Dover movies is him and a couple of mates, either through requests or through a creative use of the truth, seeking out horny girls and persuading them to have a shag. Now I know that's sounding as bad as the movies I've just criticised but bear with me. 


Ben Dover is pure Carry On, total seaside humour. These girls have an absolute ball. They're young and horny and unsatisfied with the quality of sex on offer in the UK, and Ben provides a brilliant education in good, fun sex. These young women are empowered by their experience. Ben and the boys adore women - all shapes and sizes - and they let it show. They are truly in awe of women and recognise how in thrall men are to us. Nice! I wish I'd had this education when I was their age - it would have saved a lot of time.


Another British seaside humour exponent is the lovely Anna Span. Just a young girl herself, she creates movies where the viewpoint is very female and very fun. The story lines are funny and the actors are very accessible. Well done Anna!


We have a number of Joy Bear movies. Some are along the lines of Ben but with the delightfully funny and humble Steve Hooper (trained as a lawyer until he came across porn). But, better than that - Joy Bear do some classics. My very favourite is "The Opening of Misty Beethoven". It is an X rated, modern interpretation of Pygmalion set in Rome, Paris and New York. The dialogue is brilliant as are the sets and costumes - I love it.


So what about your own sex life? I believe that sex between consenting adults in private is their own business. I mean any kind of consensual sex. We're here on this earth to experience as much as possible and that includes any kind of 'perversions'. Me I prefer to operate within my accepted paradigm, which includes respect and affection and a willingness to relate to another person. But then we all operate within our individual paradigms.


And therein lies the problem. We are all such a mass of influences and addictions that we cloud the whole act of sex in confusion. Sex is liberating, sex is great exercise, sex is bonding and fulfilling. What's not to like about sex?


Falling in love, first with my son and then with my husband, were pretty Peak Experiences. But I have the privilege of having had a few transcendental sexual experiences. When we 'make love', with strangers as well as loved ones, we open the channel to a higher power. No wonder the Victorians were so afraid of it!


I'm not sure how well I've championed good sex. Have you seen 'Meet The Fockers'? I love Barbra Streisand and Dustin Hoffman's performances in this film. The characters are ageing hippies. Streisand is a Sex Therapist who talks openly about sex and has no qualms about trying to free up whoever she meets. That's me, that is! At least I'd like it to be.


And I think a 45 year old woman, a mother, a wife, a daughter, is a good place to be to enjoy good sex. And what fun to live in a world with Cougars and Toy Boys - just the idea!


So, sex is primal, sex is intimate, even with strangers. It's all about bodily functions and unpredictable outcomes. Rather like the rest of life then. Laughter is key to good sex too,I think. It's great for relaxation and for getting you in the mood. I confess I have a tendency to laugh during sex - it's just so much fun! Distracting for those who haven't known me well though.


So why don't you plan a little private space and time & get reacquainted with everything that is good about sex? It's as much about giving attention to someone, sharing yourself. It's not all about the penetrative act. Spending time together, distracted by the matter in hand so to speak, is a great way to let everything go and concentrate on the present moment.


Emotional Intelligence is apparently worth developing too. By that they mean the ability to use your intuition and your imagination to boost your pleasure. "A Filthy Mind is a Joy Forever" as a card I sent to Chris so aptly proclaims.


Sex is fundamentally about trust, isn't it? What is our partner's agenda? Where do they see this leading? All questions that meet with some concern unless you're in a very honest relationship. Well I say again - 'It's none of my business what other people think". Just look after your own agenda and try to be honest about it. As with every interaction between people, it's better to focus on the other person, rather than thinking about your own needs. But that doesn't mean you can't be explicit about your own pleasure. It's all about communication!


Sex is a beautiful, life enhancing act and should be enjoyed by as many as possible. 


Isn't that right Billy?


Enjoy! x

Montana Bound, or are we?

Early last summer Chris and I first spoke about the possibility of moving to Montana. Why Montana? Many reasons, including its beauty and space and horses and down to earth people and new experiences.

We did a lot of preparation: We found a house, opened bank accounts, researched new business ventures, prepared Therapy for sale.

And then we changed our minds.

Well, circumstances altered our plans. Having closed our unprofitable shoe shop, Chris looked at the company and decided that, now we are back to one shop, we need to consolidate.

“Consolidate”. There’s a lot of consolidation going on right now - the economy being what it is at the moment.

I feel about consolidation the way I feel about domestic chores. As my mousemat reads:

“I understand the concept of cooking & cleaning, just not as they apply to me.”

So Chris has looked at the current situation and said: “We can’t go to Montana yet. We need to establish our business now we’re back to one shop. Once we have proved its value, we can reconsider.”

I listened to his logical, sensible words ... and threw a tantrum!

Two weeks on from Chris’s cogent argument for delay and I still feel like a little girl who hasn’t got her way. I had plans! I’ve made decisions relating to our imminent departure and now I have to undo them. We told everyone we were going and now we’ve got to backtrack. The dreamy house that we’d found will have to be forgotten. The future we had mapped out has faded in the morning mists. How disappointing!

But this whole situation has taught me a valuable lesson. As one of my favourite quotes states: “I’ll put it down to experience. That’s what you get when you don’t get what you want.” Brilliant, however hard to swallow.

But this is my question: Why was I finding it so hard when Chris seemed to have readjusted to a different future so easily?

My Theory:

I’m wading through a well known book right now. It’s called ‘The Power Of Now’ by Eckhart Tolle. Have you read it? It’s very famous and created a huge stir when it was first published twelve years ago. 

Let me see if I can summarise what I’ve read so far: 

People are unhappy because they identify with their mind/ego. The constant duality of daily life - pleasure/pain; love/hate; joy/sorrow - are merely the mind’s way of controlling us. If we can understand that our true being is something greater than the mind’s creation, we can give up suffering and live peaceful, fulfilling lives.

The way to do this is to be aware of our thoughts and, most importantly, to stay in the present moment. Being in the Now is key to this process. Now is all there actually is. Linear time is a manmade construct. Past and future are the mind’s way of controlling us and causing us pain.

When we focus on the present moment, we are living in real time. When we carry pain from the past or feel fear for the future, we are creating an illusory life for ourselves. How can the past hurt us? It no longer exists. How can we fear the future? It is only in our imaginations.

So, a bit like consolidating - I understand the concept, but the more I try to put it into practice, the more my demons raise their ugly heads. Now Eckhart would say that this is my mind fighting against annihilation. Well it sure feels like World War Three in my brain a lot of the time!

To be honest I was shocked to discover just how controlled by my mind I am. Why couldn’t I be more like Chris - relaxed about events and going with the flow? Why did I feel like I’d lost something when I hadn’t actually had anything to lose? What was the lesson here?

In a weird (and not uncommon for me) twist, when I asked myself that question, the answer related right back to my book:

I wasn’t living in the Now.

I’d been so busy planning my future and making choices based on what I imagined I would be doing, that I’d forgotten to focus on what was happening right now.

But while Chris had been planning our future, he was still present enough to react to whatever situation was developing each moment.

So I still dream of being a Cowgirl, while trying to focus on what I’m doing right now. Because if I want to fulfill my dreams and live a peaceful life, then it won’t happen with me holding onto the past or living in a future that doesn’t yet exist.

And as Chris and Pa Walton are wont to say: “Plannin’s not doin’.”